I Know A Song That'll Get On Ya Nerves!
by wolfchasing
Summary: One day, Jack stumbles along a secret room in the TARDIS. Inside is a tablet, that'll make the Doctor do strange things. How could he not pass this up! Written for Jessa L'Rynn's April Challenge 2. Jack, Rose and Nine. Rating for near nudity and swearing
1. Of Tablets and Notes

**A/N: Hey all! Alright... I started this about a week ago from today (14/5/09) as a stress reliever. It worked! I had a helluva hectic week with the BIIIG nation-wide test for years 3, 5, 7 and 9. Me being in year nine, the test was more difficult this year. Plus, I also had a maths test that counts for like, 15 percent of my grade for the semester. I think I aced it. *smug look* What?! I can't help it if I buckled down and studied.**

**Right... this is April Challenge Two, as set by Jessa L'Rynn, a fantastic author.**

**April Challenge 2:** The character or characters of your choice play a harmless prank on the Doctor, also of your choice. Socks should be mentioned at least once by every character, a vegetable has to be accused of being a lethal weapon, and someone must yell "Rube Goldberg..." Your bonus points this month come from mention or use of Four's scarf.

**The story will be rather drabbly, every chapter somewhere under 1,000 words. I'll *try* to update every second day. Or, just as soon as the next chapter is written. They don't take long to write, so maybe every day!**

**Enough of my rambling, ON WITH THE SHOW!!!! ...or story, if you prefer. XP**

--

Jack Harkness strolled down the TARDIS corridor, looking for something to do. Just a few weeks ago, he had been a con-man, who had almost killed a ton of people accidentally, just for a bit of money. But those days were behind him now. He had,-quite literally- been saved by the lovely Doctor and the even lovelier Rose Tyler.

But, now he was bored. The TARDIS had just shuddered to a stop, and not on a planet where he'd particularly like to be… there were a few girls… and guys out there who'd like nothing more than to smack him one to the face. So, instead of exploring the planet, causing mischief and finding another person to add to the long list of people he'd spent the night with, he had opted to stay in the TARDIS.

He'd been around the TARDIS a few times, but had never actually reached the back of the seemingly never-ending Time Machine. He doubted that even the Doctor had. The ancient machine rumbled, as if responding to Jacks thoughts.

"Where should I go, girl?" Jack asked, patting the coral-like wall beside him.

The lights behind Jack blinked out, as the walls in front of him glowed with a strange luminescence. The TARDIS obviously wanted Jack to follow the lights, so that's what he did.

Ten minutes later, Jack was standing outside a door. One he hadn't encountered before. He opened it carefully; cautious of what might be waiting on the other side.

Relived that nothing had attempted to snap his head off so far, he pushed the door open the whole way and stepped inside the room.

It was dimly lit, and had a feeling about it, as if the room hadn't been used in years. Strangely enough, there was a rank smell about the place…

"Can I smell sweaty socks?" Jack asked to the room at random, wrinkling his nose in distaste.

Suddenly the room was brightly lit, and he discovered the source of the smell. It was indeed, a pile of sweaty socks, sitting inside a container, with 'AIR TIGHT' in large black letters on the front. 'Well,' Jack thought. 'The Doctor should get his money back on that one.'

The TARDIS rumbled, as if she was laughing.

Jack took a closer inspection around the room, and saw that it was an old, disused laboratory. He spied a piece of paper sitting on one of the benches. He snatched it up and started to read.

_To the current companion of the Doctor,_

_My name is not important. Just know that I travelled with the Doctor many, many years ago._

_You have found this room, because you are bored. Either the Doctor has left the TARDIS for a period of time and not taken you along, or he's messing around with the console, trying to fix things that don't really need to be fixed. Either way, he has no clue that you have found this room._

_I have asked the TARDIS to show the room to a bored companion every once in a while. Just to keep the Doctor on his toes._

_See, in this room, it contains a special tablet. Don't worry; they're not harmful to anybody of any species. But every single one of them make the Doctor do completely random things. _

_The Doctor is NEVER to know about this room or the Tablet. The TARDIS promised me to never let him near it as long as you clean up after yourself._

_Sometimes, what the Doctor does under the influence of the Tablet differentiates with the Doctor's different regenerations, and his habits in that regeneration. Sometimes he hallucinates; sometimes he'll walk around almost completely naked. And some other times, he'll do absolutely everything and anything, as long as it's random and it amuses you._

_To administer the Tablet to the Doctor, you need to just conceal it in a banana, and leave it lying around somewhere. He'll find it. For some reason, the Doctor has never been able to resist bananas. It'll take effect within the hour._

_Don't worry about him at all. The TARDIS will never permit any harm to come to the Doctor or his companions or he can drive or leave the TARDIS, while under the influence of the Tablet. Just sit back and enjoy the ride_

_The origins of the Tablet… are unknown. I, myself think that the TARDIS developed them, many years ago as a way of amusing herself. I think she has a strange sense of humour._

_Have fun._

_--_

Jack looked up from the letter, his grin threatening to crack his face. He _had _to do this. And he _had _to include Rose as well. There's no way she wouldn't want to join him. Besides… she'd just be freaked out by the Doctor's strange behaviour.

He grabbed a small tablet from a jar on a bench, and sprinted out the door to find a banana.

He didn't feel the shake that the TARDIS made as she was brimming with excitement from the fun that was sure to come.

--

**A/N: It's the introduction. So sue me. I promise the next chapter will be up tomorrow. And it'll be more... fun.**

**Only doing the disclaimer once, so read carefully. **

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own Doctor Who. I am merely an obsessed fan who is crazy enough to write stories about its characters.**

**Now, I betsa go, coz it's coming on 10 pm, and very soon my mum will come screaming in, telling me to get off the computer.**

**Farewell my fickle friends, and don't forget to review!**

**Rose. xx**


	2. Of Nudity and Ice Cream

**CHAPTER 2!!**

Jack made three different bowls ice-cream. One with chocolate ice-cream, chocolate sauce and hunks of the best tasting chocolate in the universe (Lindt chocolate) for Jack, another with caramel ice-cream, caramel sauce and caramel filled chocolates (from Lindt) for Rose, and the final bowl with banana ice-cream, banana sauce, and plain banana (plus the Tablet in the banana) for the Doctor. He was waiting for them to arrive in the kitchen, where they had their customary, post-adventure ice-cream.

Sure enough, minutes later, Jack could hear them coming down the hallway, laughing loudly. They came through the door and Jack sprang up to hug them both. Neither thought this was strange, because it was Jack, after all.

He handed the Doctor and Rose their ice-creams, and listened to their recount of what happened on the planet.

The Doctor finished his ice-cream first, licking his lips happily.

"…And they were like 'RAWR!'" Rose made a clawing movement with her hand. "And this sod just went up and said 'Are you twins?' It was hilarious, the look on their faces!" Rose laughed merrily, but Jack wasn't really listening. He was focusing on the Doctor, looking for any amount of change in his attire.

He didn't have to wait long. The Doctor ran out of the room, mumbling something about Pygmy Puffs. Too much Harry Potter, probably.

Rose stared after the Doctor in bewilderment. Jack decided that he would hill her in on the prank.

He hurriedly whispered what he had done in her ear, and her smirk turned into a grin.

"Brilliant!" She whisper-shouted.

Jack chuckled happily. "Come on! We better go see what he's up to." Jack grabbed her hand, and they ran around the TARDIS in search of the Doctor.

--

Ten minutes later, they collapsed in the jump-seat in the control room. There was absolutely no sign of the Doctor anywhere in the TARDIS.

"Where on Earth could he be? The TARDIS isn't _that _big," Rose stated, as she got up and leant against the controls, facing Jack and the door to the inner TARDIS.

The TARDIS suddenly shook, with what Jack presumed to be laughter.

"Well, something's tickled the TARDIS, so I think we'll be soon to find out."

Rose wasn't listening. She was staring at something behind his shoulder, open mouthed.

Jack spun around quickly, and was greeted with possibly the strangest sight he'll ever see.

The Doctor was standing in the doorway to the inner TARDIS. With only a long, multicoloured scarf on. It just hid his privates (which Jack was slightly put out about).

Rose suddenly broke into uncontrollable giggles. Jack just kept staring at the Doctor, secretly willing the scarf to move.

"Is it draughty in here, or is it just me?" The Doctor asked, completely oblivious to his near-nakedness.

Rose giggled even louder. And Jack even joined in this time. They laughed so much that they fell over. It was pretty funny.

"What? What's so funny? Is there something behind me?" The Doctor spun around, and gave the giggling pair a fair view of his rear end.

Jack and Rose were getting close to hysterics. Rose particularly.

"What? Seriously, what is it?"

No-one answered. They could barely get a breath in, because they were laughing so much.

"Alright. Be that way." The Doctor marched down the corridor, his hips swinging in a very feminine way.

Rose almost passed out with laughter, and Jack was pounding his fist on the TARDIS floor. The ancient machine even rumbled in amusement.

When they finally wiped the final tears from their eyes, they sat up and looked at each other.

Of course, this set off another round of laughter from the two friends.

* * *

**A/N: Alright... to me, the best chocolate in the universe is Lindt chocolate. It's so delicious!! *licks lips thinking about it***

**Also, aren't you all lucky! An update in another day! The next three chapters are written, so you'll get the next one tomorrow.**

**Have a good weekend, folks!**

**Rose. xx**


	3. Of Carrots and Pools

**Chapter three**

Rose looked at Jack from across the kitchen table. They were making up lunch. Salad sandwiches for everyone today.

"When do you think he might do something next?" She asked, referring to the Doctor in his state of randomness.

"Dunno. I hope it's soon though. I could use another laugh like that," Jack replied, thinking of the previous encounter with the Doctor, which would become known as the Scarf Incident.

Suddenly, they heard a splash. Like, someone jumping into a pool. Jack and Rose looked at each other and ran to the nearby pool room, where the Doctor was swimming around in a white cricket jumper and bright pink underwear.

They were getting ready to break into giggles, when the Doctor spied the carrot Rose was holding in her hand.

"ROSE! I can not believe you are carrying a gun on my ship!! How many times have I said I hate guns!!" He shouted from the pool.

Jack and Rose stared at the small, orange carrot, than at each other. Identical evil grins appeared on their faces.

Rose raised the 'gun' and pointed it at Jack. She made the motion you would make when cocking a gun.

"All right, hands up Harkness. No funny business."

"ROSE!!! WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU DOING?? PUT THAT GUN DOWN!!!" The Doctor screamed, trying to find the stepladder so he could stop Rose from 'shooting' Jack.

Jack started edging towards the door. When Rose was 'distracted' by the Doctor, he quickly ran out, went to the kitchen, grabbed his own carrot and ran back.

"Sorry, Tyler. It's your hands that need to be up, I'm afraid." He said, barely containing his grin.

Both 'fired' their carrots by shouting "BANG". They then dramatically dropped to the floor, clutching various parts of their bodies in 'pain'.

The Doctor screamed and got out of the pool. He reached Rose and started sobbing over her form, which tried to stay still, but she was laughing so much.

She jumped up, brushed herself off, walked to Jack and helped him up, purposely ignoring the Doctor.

"Well, that was fun, wasn't it Jack?"

"Oh, it sure was Rosie." Jack beamed.

"Come, Jack. Let's go wash my socks."

The two linked arms, and skipped away, laughing at the bewildered expression on the Doctor's face.

* * *

**A/N: DRAAAAABLE!!!! Didja enjoy it?**

**Oh, oh, oh!! Guess what? Remember that maths test I had? I got the results back. ONE HUNDRED AND FIVE PERCENT!!!!!!!!!!!! Yeah. I know 'how did she get onehundred and five percent?' Because there was a bonus question about something we hadn't studied at the end of it, and I got it right!!!! So, I'm uber happy about it.**

**Chapter six is in production. You'll get chapter four tomorrow.**

**Rose. xx**


	4. Of Cartoonists and Coats

**A/N: *cowers in fear* I'M SO SO SO SORRY!!!! I'm lazy and I know it. I felt really, really bad when I realised I hadn't updated. See... I have school... and my school work _always _comes first. See, I want to be a teacher, so I try to get good grades at everything. This technique works, too. Just on Monday I got the results from a report back: 100 percent. Yeah... I couldn't believe it either.**

**So, enjoy!**

**Chapter four!**

Jack and Rose were back in the console room, just reading various books. It _was _pretty silent. For a while.

"RUBE!!! WHERE ARE YOU?!?!"

Jack and Rose looked at each other, before turning to the door to the inner TARDIS, which the Doctor was standing in.

"RUBE GOLDBERG!!! WHERE THE BLOODY HELL ARE YOU?!?!" He shouted at the top of his lungs.

Of course, there was no-one else in the room. So the Doctor was hallucinating. And he was seeing cartoonists from the 20th Century. 'Brilliant,' thought Jack.

"Have you two seen Rube around here? He has my socks," The Doctor said, pointing to his bare feet.

Jack noticed the outfit the Doctor had put himself into. He was in his usual jumper and pants, but instead of his leather jacket, he was in a multicoloured coat that would only look in place on a clown.

Jack just laughed.

"There you are Rube!!" The Doctor bent over and started patting thin air, not unlike you would pat a dog's head.

"I told you _not _to take my socks," The Doctor scolded the invisible dog. "Now, get back in your cage with Jim Davis! NOW!!!" The Doctor shouted and pointed at the inner TARDIS door.

Rose raised her eyebrows at the Doctor, before having to hide a grin behind her hands.

The Doctor stalked out of the control room, his multicoloured coat flying behind him.

Rose turned to Jack and asked, "When is it going to wear off?"

Jack just shrugged his shoulders. The note didn't specify when it wore off.

They sat back down, and continued reading their books.

**A/N: If you don't know, Rube Goldberg is a cartoonist from the last century. Obviously, Jim Davis is the mind behind the Garfield comics. So, the Doctor hallucinates about cartoonists... as gods.**

**Hey, hey, hey! Don't care if you flame! It STILL counts as a review!! So, *sticks tongue out* to you!**


	5. Of Caffeine and Annoying Songs

**Chapter five!!**

"I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YA NERVES, GET ON YA NERVES, GET ON YA NERVES!! I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YA NERVES, AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES…"

Rose blocked her ears with her pillow.

"I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YA NERVES…"

"If he bloody sings another bloody verse of that bloody song, I'll bloody wring his bloody neck. Bloody hell!" She grumbled.

"I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YA NERVES AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES!!"

The Doctor was now right outside her door, singing at the top of his lungs. And terribly out of tune.

Rose had had it. She hoisted herself up, and started to walk over to the door, but the Doctor beat her to it.

"HEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYYYYY ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSSSSSSSSEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"GUESSWHATIFOUNDLYINGAROUNDINTHEKITCHEN?!?!?!?!?!?!? COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Rose stared at him.

Over the past day or so while the Doctor had been influenced by the Tablet, he had been wearing a strange assortment of clothes, which Rose had seen different men in pictures around the TARDIS wearing. Every time the Doctor appeared, Rose was expecting him to be wearing something from one of the men in the pictures. But, this time, it was very different.

He was in an ill-fitting brown suit with blue pinstripes. He had red converses on that looked far too tight on his feet. There was also a pair of rectangular glasses on his head. His small sprinkling of hair was looking slightly spiky.

'Where the hell did he get this clothing idea from?' Rose thought, before she burst into giggles at the Doctor's face.

His eyes were as wide as they could go, and his pupils were so dilated that barely a millimetre of his blue irises could be seen.

"COOOOOOOOOOOOOFFFFFFFFFFFFFEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! DOYOULIKECOFFEEROSE???WHERE'STHEDAMNCOFFEE? _GIVEMETHECOFFEE!!!!_"

Rose collapsed onto her bed in manic laughter. She heard the footfalls in the hallway made by Jack as he came to see what was so funny.

Jack took in the rear view of the Doctor in the too small suit, and laughed. The Doctor turned around at the sound.

"WHERE'SMYCOFFEJACK?!?!?!!?! _GIMMETHEBLOODYCOFFEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"_

Jack laughed at the Doctor's *ahem* _slightly_ maniacal look. He joined the laughing Rose on the bed; both giggling like there was no tomorrow (although, while travelling with the Doctor, it was quite a realistic possibility.).

The Doctor made a 'whatever' sign with his fingers, and disappeared. Quite literally. He _disappeared._

Jack came to the conclusion that it was the caffeine in the coffee. He'd seen something similar in an old earth movie from the early 21st century. Something about hedges, small woodland animals and hyperactive squirrels. This was the correct conclusion.

Of course, since this movie hadn't been made yet from Rose's perspective, she drew a different conclusion. The Doctor was completely barmy, which was also the correct conclusion.

"I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YA NERVES…"

**

* * *

**

A/N: Wooh! Title's taken effect... or is it affect... oh well.

I learnt that song when coming home from a camp on a bus. It was rather fun, as we sang it for about thirty minutes, and it didn't get boring.

Again... sorry for not updating. School stuff and all that shiz. Got exams in a few weeks, and I've been given three assignments this week. Woot.

In other news... I had to write a script for Scrubs for English a while ago... so it was basically fanfiction in class... anyway, I got an A plus. *beams* Ha... you're probably thinking 'what a nerd...' I take it as a complement!

Probably another few chapters to come.

Also, I'm asking you if you have any suggestions of what might happen, please don't hesitate to tell me! I'm running out of ideas here!

Rose. xx


	6. Of Posh Spice and Bum Waggling

**Chapter Six!!**

"_If you wannabe my lover, you gotta get rid of my friends…"_

Jack and Rose were in the doorway of the console-room. The Doctor had a bright pink boob-tube, blue denim short-shorts and a tacky blonde wig on. He was dancing around, singing into a hairbrush.

The two friends in the door were doubled over with silent laughter. They didn't know that the Doctor was _so _good at impersonating Posh Spice.

The Doctor waggled his bum around a bit more forcefully and unintentionally pointed it in the direction of the door.

Rose could not keep her silence any longer. Her loud laughter echoed around the console-room, stopping the Doctor in the middle of his dancing/singing/booty shaking tirade.

The Doctor looked in their direction and his eyes lit up. He rushed over to the doorway.

He looked at Jack, his eyes wide. "Hey there, sexy," He said, his voice very high pitched.

Jack took a deep breath before collapsing into giggles on the floor.

The Doctor bent down and started fussing over Jack, his non existent chest thrust forward over Jacks face.

Rose, who had just composed herself, took one look at the Doctor leaning over Jack before collapsing from laughter on the floor.

In fact, she laughed so much that she ran out of air and passed out.

Jack, fearing for his friend, quickly leant over Rose and started giving her CPR. But the Doctor in his current state of gender confusion took the mouth-to-mouth resuscitation the wrong way.

"You complete arse, Damien Tunkle!" The Doctor screeched.

Jack only had time to wonder who the hell Damien Tunkle before the Doctor gave him a slap that would've made Jackie Tyler proud.

The Doctor stomped out of the room, his stilettos clip-clopping on the grated floor like horse hooves on a bitumen road.

Rose, who had recovered from her mini-coma looked from the Doctor, waving his rear from side to side, to Jack, sitting on the floor next to her with a mortified expression and a glowing red hand mark on his cheek.

This being too much for the young Londoner, she collapsed in laughter… yet again.

_Oh, this is too much fun! _The TARDIS thought maliciously.

**A/N: Um... muhahahahha... ha?**

**Yeah... *rubs back of neck* Really sorry for not updating. I haven't abandoned the story... I'm not going to be updating us much as I said I would be. This, I guess, is meant to be a boredom buster... to break the writers block... but, no. It's not working, because my plot bunnies have been working in overdrive. Mainly centering around the Jumper universe. Goodness me, I love that movie.**

**Thanks guys for your support and ideas. I need to re-read reviews, coz in case you don't know... I have a horrible memory.**

**Vista you long time!! (XD Dea...)**


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